Stunned

Category: Writers Block

Post 1 by jessmonsilva (Taking over the boards, one topic at a time.) on Sunday, 25-Sep-2005 19:50:07

Hey guys. Here is a poem I wrote. Judge it for me and see if you like it.
I like the way you loved me:
At least most of the time:
I like the way the stars lit up:
Deep in your eyes,
Why can't you please just hold me:
Why can't we run away:
Why can't your heart just bleed for me:
Let's live another day.

I can't breathe:
I can't sleep:
I can't open up my eyes:
To the everlasting rain,
I can't run:
I can't hide:
I can't seem to find a way:
From the pain:
No, I'm stunned again.

My tears flow like the river:
They wash away the smile on my face:
They mark the end of my existence:
Because I wanted my space,
It never seems to end:
I never seem to understand:
I have to take my own heart:
And smash it in my hand.

I can't breathe:
I can't sleep:
I can't open up my eyes:
To the everlasting rain,
I can't run:
I can't hide:
I can't seem to find a way:
From the pain:
No, I'm stunned again.

Everyday I wake:
I'm alone again:
Even though I know I am free again,
What am I to do:
Cause I still love you:
Take a gun:
To my head!

I can't breathe:
I can't sleep:
I can't open up my eyes:
To the everlasting rain,
I can't run:
I can't hide:
I can't seem to find a way:
From the pain:
No, I'm stunned again.

Post 2 by UnknownQuantity (Account disabled) on Sunday, 25-Sep-2005 22:55:42

Your poem was good, very sad, though...one thing though: you wrote : was it meant to be a comma or a semi-colon. I'm not trying to be perdantic, it's just that I've never seen poetry written like that before.

Keep writing.

Peace,

Jess.

Post 3 by jessmonsilva (Taking over the boards, one topic at a time.) on Monday, 26-Sep-2005 0:33:46

Oops, it was meant to be a semicolon, sorry... I guess I didn't realize. Oops.

Post 4 by Goblin (I have proven to myself and the world that I need mental help) on Tuesday, 27-Sep-2005 10:22:30

Never mind the punctuation that is superb, very expressive, emotive and shot through with powerful imagery--good job!

Post 5 by asdfghjkl (Account disabled) on Friday, 30-Sep-2005 23:31:32

Amazing, the emotion, the imagery, the repetition... very good, Jess. Mel

Post 6 by changedheart421 (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Saturday, 01-Oct-2005 1:36:52

hey its jessica. that was a great poem.

Post 7 by de chipmunk (I'll try being nicer, if you try being smarter) on Sunday, 02-Oct-2005 22:15:43

good poem Jess

Post 8 by changedheart421 (I've now got the bronze prolific poster award! now going for the silver award!) on Sunday, 02-Oct-2005 22:24:58

i am laughing lol

Post 9 by Devious_Britches (smarty pants) on Wednesday, 05-Oct-2005 14:25:00

very good work indeed.

Post 10 by jessmonsilva (Taking over the boards, one topic at a time.) on Wednesday, 05-Oct-2005 18:27:31

Why thank you all. I appreciate the compliments.

Post 11 by poet (The premium poet) on Thursday, 20-Oct-2005 19:31:12

Jes, that was brilliantly written!

Post 12 by dissonance (Help me, I'm stuck to my chair!) on Thursday, 20-Oct-2005 22:05:49

That's absolutely beautiful, I like the subtle repetition. Wow. I'm stunned!